A Scout is friendly. That’s the fourth thing in the Scout Law. Everybody wants to have friends. Humans are social creatures and thrive best with the companionship of others. Friends can help carry each other’s load. Friends share the joys and pains of life. Even the Bible is aware of this. In the book of Ecclesiastes, it says: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (ecc 4:9-12) Friendship is a powerful thing and that’s why it is in the Scout Law.

However, what does it mean to be a friend? This is something that has plagued mankind for many, many years. What does it take to be a true friend? What makes friendship that special bond?

Many friendships start off for superficial reasons. We like the same sports teams. We listen to the same music. We watch the same movies and tv shows. We have the same hobbies and interests. Maybe we live near them. Perhaps they are in our classes. These are the friends we hang out with and have a good time with. They are fun and they fill a purpose. They entertain us and keep us occupied and we generally enjoy their company.

But now take what I call “The Buffalo Test”. Let’s say you are stranded on the NY Thruway outside of Buffalo in a driving blizzard. Your car broke down and you have no money for a cab or a hotel. You are calling to see if they will come get you and help you out. Be honest. How many of them would do it? How many would refuse? Now flip it. Which of your friends would you do it for? You may say that you would, but look deep inside. Would you really? Remember the image of Christ at Gethsemane. He asked his friends to stay up and pray with him. They assured him that they would. Twice they fell asleep.

What makes a friend? More importantly, what makes a good friend? For some of us, it is someone who makes us laugh. Others, we look for someone who can cheer us up when we are upset. These are good qualities. We also look for someone that we can trust. People who use us are not friends. We like people who don’t tell lies nor gossip about ourselves. These are all great traits that friends have. But let’s dig deeper.

True friends are rare. You have often heard that you are lucky if you have five true friends in your life. I myself can count three best friends, and one of them is my wife. I have some other friends that are close. There are people that I work with that I am very friendly with, but have no idea what will happen to our relationship if I/they ever leave this place.

For me, a true friend is someone that I can open up with and be vulnerable. I can expose my true self. I can be myself and know that I am loved, despite my faults and failings. I can talk about silly things like music and sports with them. I can also talk about some of my fears and issues as well as my hopes and dreams with them.  I can count on them for anything and I know, because we are closer than brothers, that if something were to happen to me, I know they would look after my wife and make sure she is ok.

What’s more important to me, with my friends, is the role they take in my accountability. My friends do not tell me just what I need to hear. Sometimes, some of the advice they give is stuff I may not want to hear at the moment. However, it is the right thing to do and for me, it is the right stuff for me to hear.  They care about me so much that they would risk our friendship to say something that is more beneficial for me rather than just saying any old thing that is ineffective. They do not betray our friendship because they confront me and tell me when I am wrong. Rather, they strengthen our friendship because they have the courage to stand up and say something. Their courage shows how dedicated they are and how much love for me that they truly have. That’s a friend.

Be careful who you associate with. You could be guilty by association with the friends you keep. Hopefully, by being in the Scouts, the associations you keep will reflect positive on you. While a Scout is loyal, make sure that you are loyal to the right thing. While being loyal to a friend is good, are you compromising what is right to protect your friend? Also, is ignoring what is right for the benefit of your friend, what a good friend would do?

Friends help each other out…a scout is helpful after all. Make sure that you are, as a friend, doing things for the right reasons. We are trustworthy, loyal, and helpful. Are you fulfilling these obligations while doing the right things? Search your heart and examine your friendships. How good of a friend are you really being?

My parents had lost complete control of me and were forced to call the police any time I was missing for over 24 hours. As I progressed, the substances that were once my solution began creating a perpetual problem, the bliss that oblivion used to offer me stopped coming and I my life revolved around chasing what never came.

Conveniently enough, my recovery began before I expected it to when a large man and his large wife appeared at my bedside at 3 o’clock a.m. and told me that I was going to join some hippies at a co-ed program in Vegas.  I was strangely willing to go for I had never been on a plane or to Vegas.  When I arrived at the campsite in the middle of the desert in below zero weather, the gravity of the way I was living only began to set in.  After enduring 100 days in the desert, I agreed to peacefully transition to The Family School.

For about the first six months I admitted that I had a problem and that I was not willing to do anything about it.  I thought that if I started using again things would end up better than the previous time.  Eventually, the truth infiltrated my false hopes and I decided that there might be a better way to live than I had thought.  I took a real look at my life and accepted that people around me were offering provided real hope for me.  I became willing to take direction and embraced sobriety.  I started to own my actions and the consequences that follow instead of spending my energy constantly fleeing reality.  I began to learn what it takes to uphold relationships with real friends and, more importantly, with my parents and higher power.  On that note, thank you mom and dad for pursuing and enduring everything it took for me to find out what life is really about.  I don’t believe that it is possible to express in words how much it has done for me.  To the population expecting a quote, I’ve let you down and to the newcomer, just start listening.

M. B. ~ June 2010 Graduate of The Family Foundation School

In the eyes of the Family Foundation School home visits are for the purpose of getting into AA in your hometown, making amends, and to give a student a chance to show their parents that they have made real progress at the school.

My reasons for going home include the ones suggested by the family school, but I also have a few alterations of my own. In regards to the last FFS reason, I take it as a time to show myself the progress I have made. The last time I was in my home town I was a lying, selfish, and manipulative child. As a result of all of this I was rushed away to wilderness, and then I arrived at the Family School. Although my behaviors and attitude followed me to both of these, the setting in which they developed did not.

Since I arrived at the school I have done an immense amount of work reshaping my morals, attitude, and my beliefs. Not to take away from the work and its importance, but the work I have done has been thousands of miles away from home. Returning home for the first time was an experience in which all of my emotions that caused my past actions and places I performed them came rushing back. Although I did not act out on the emotions in the manor I did at home nor did I feel them to the extent that I did at home, they were there nonetheless.

As I was going through this experience I was baffled. I felt as if I had done all the hard work for nothing and that I was doomed to repeat my previous miseries. I had a good time with my family and did not indulge in old behaviors, but after my first home visit I was actually scared of graduation. I was scared that the Family School was not enough for me and that I was a hopeless case.

I returned to the school and began to express my fear to my sponsor. He proceeded to tell me that the fear was perfectly normal and that it was probably a good sign. He told me that even though I felt the emotions I did not act out on them as I did before and that was improvement. He also pointed out that when I begin to feel that way at home that the best thing to do is to make it to an AA meeting, which I had attempted but failed to do.

I then began to plan my next home visit keeping in mind that the old emotions will arise and the best way to deal with them is to make it to a meeting. I called home and got a number that I could call for meeting times and locations.

My second home visit I made it priority number one to make it to a meeting and to meet people in sobriety in my home town. I knew that if I were to blow off the meetings, for whatever reasons, I would have a hard time and come back from the visit having lost rather than gained anything. The first meeting was the hardest to get too. It was my 19^th birthday and my family really wanted to spend time with me; I had every reasonable excuse to not go, but I knew the consequences of not. During that meeting I spoke, a rarity because of my shyness, and received suggestion after suggestion and numbers from people that were willing to help me in finding sobriety outside of FFS.

As a result of making the meeting, expressing my difficulties, and receiving advice I was able to see that I have a chance at happiness after FFS. I also found that that happiness, for me, is only possible through AA and meetings.

When I returned from my second visit I looked back and saw how much work I have done during my stay. I was astounded in how, after much work, I was able to speak to a group of people in which I knew nobody. And, how I stuck up for my principles of sobriety and making meetings despite of my birthday and how I dealt with the difficult emotions I felt while home. To me this is proof that if you put work into the AA program that the rewards know no bounds.

In any type of social dynamic the underlying, sometimes even unconscious aspect of relationships, is control. We all want to control people in the way it best benefits us. As humans, we are selfish creatures. That is the root of our disease as the AA Big Book so simply points out. But have you ever questioned the control you have or lack in relationships with family, friends, loved ones, celebrities or even strangers? To control the ones we love as well as strangers is completely selfish and can lead to insanity.

Since leaving The Family Foundation School, I decided to continue to write for the blogs at FFS. It was part of my internship for my last 6 months and I enjoy writing on meaningful concepts. I have a brother whom I am very close with, before as well as after my stay at The Family School. Since being home, we do not see eye to eye. We have different interests, ideals, morals, principles, friends and beliefs. Prior to FFS, all of these characteristics were similar if not identical. We have argued, disagreed and bickered over many insignificant, trivial and pointless topics from material objects and money to principles and other attributes of our character. For a week or two, this was bothering me. I was letting the fact that our relationship was not going the way “I” wanted it to go.

Then it hit me while having a conversation with a staff member at FFS about the situation with my brother. I asked myself, “why am I trying to control what my brother thinks, acts and believes?” If he doesn’t want to have the brotherly relationship I hope for, then that is completely out of my control. After realizing this, I started thinking of the 1st Step and how we as humans want so much power over others that we can sometimes try to control numerous aspects of the lives. Letting go and letting God has helped me realize that I am not in control, and everything will happen just as my Higher Power wants it to.

For a few weeks now I have not worried about the relationship with my brother. If a disagreement or argument starts I just walk away from it or decide not engage in a conversation that might anger me. One thing I can say is that it leads to a much more peaceful day. A true gift The Family Foundation School has taught me is to take any situation and try to interpret God’s Will at that moment is for me. Trying to see what God wants me to learn out of a difficult situation is of great importance to continue spiritual and internal growth.

When I think back on the reasons I got high, I come to surprising revelations. The reasons are various and all have different settings accordingly. Sure I got high for social aspects, trying to fit in with a certain crowd. I got high to mask feelings and hide from reality. I even got high to feel as if I had a role, I was the pothead, then the junkie. But these all came after one distinct and critical stage of my active addiction to mind altering substances, one in which it had deep spiritual roots that I was completely unaware of.

In Buddhism, especially in Zen Buddhism, is the basic principle of life is awareness or mindfulness. In order to live, one must live; meaning if you want to experience life you need to immerse yourself in the only place life exists, here and now. This is something, complete covered from my conscious self that getting high brought me. For example, when I first began to smoke pot I got the infamous skin crawling sensation. This sensation brought to my consciousness the fact that my body is here. Without the substance, I completely ignored my body in the present moment due to over thinking, daydreaming, fantasizing, etc. Today’s society is so extraverted that we rarely bring our body to attention unless a pain or feeling is presented. I believe that the sensation given by pot was my fundamental nature that true happiness is experienced in the present moment. Not happiness that is procured by a thought, or external situation, which takes us away from the present state of the body. Humans are one of the only organisms on Earth that can get nearly the same amount of pleasure from thinking of doing something as actually doing it, therefore we prefer just too sit back and think about doing things and forget about what is right in front of us.

It was something that is so close to a spiritual purpose, but so far from, that it is almost funny. I was so close to something so divine, so pure, and I was absolutely blind to it. Now looking back with the knowledge of Buddhism’s teaching of the present moment I am astonished. I, with now conscious thought, was practicing an ancient form of spirituality. It shows me how much I was closed off to any sense of spirituality due to drugs and the mindset I was trapped in.

One my think now that it is only right to now pursue a spiritual using of substance now with the knowledge I have gained it would only make the using that much more productive. The answer is that it will help me gain a higher sense of spirituality but a false sense. I will also experience serious lacking in other areas of my life. During the using, I am so caught up in experiencing the here and now that I am repulsed at any other kind of activity or thought. Some again, may say that this would only be a divine life, but the fact is it is a narrow view of life in which I am blind to so many experiences. When under the influence of a substance I lose other capabilities and also motivation. The use of the substance inhibits my motor skills and gives me a lazy feeling. The payoffs are in no way worth the things I give up, and I am all too familiar with what I have to give up.

The thing that I now set my mind to is gaining this same sense of awareness, this same sense of here and now without the help of a substance. It is completely doable, maybe a lot harder, but it is doable. I believe that the things in life worth anything require the most work. The substance gives me a temporary awareness, but it eventually leaves me broke, no pun intended. With the harder way the sense of awareness is much truer and longer lasting. Through self determination and training my consciousness I will be able to keep the awareness and bring it about whenever I need. It is free and unlimited unlike the money I need to buy substances.

A Scout is helpful. One of the major qualities that a Scout should posses is the desire and the ability to be helpful. Being helpful is one of the things that is expected of all Scouts as part of their duty.

A common image and stereotype of the Boy Scout is that we should be constantly at street corners helping little old ladies cross the street. I have been a Scout for many years and have never stood by a corner with the intent of helping little old ladies cross the street. This doesn’t mean that I am opposed to helping little old ladies. It has just never come up. Many people are afraid to join Scouting because they believe that this is what we have to do. So far, you have seen that it involves a lot more than that.

However, a Scout is supposed to be helpful. What does this mean? What does it mean to be helpful?

There are many different ways to be helpful. We can be helpful to our community, our school, society, and each other.

When we take a shadow to and from classes, we treat them like they are luggage. We dump them off and treat them as such. But what if you took the time to take care of your shadows? What if we found out how they were in class? What if we talked to them about their days? What if we shared our strength, experience, and hope with them?

How helpful are we in our classes and in the families? Do we confront people when it is the right thing to do, or are we more concerned about how we are perceived by those around us? If someone is acting up in class, do we stand up and help the teacher or the RA in class, or do we laugh along with the negative student and encourage them to do more? Do we do extra jobs around the families as needed, or do we crash on the couch? Do we tutor others who struggle in their classes, or do we read a book? Do we volunteer for crews or do we watch the movie instead? Do we help the person in crisis or share with the newer student or do we hang out with our friends and stick with who is more comfy to us? Do we listen to those in places in authority or do we argue with them and try to push our views on them? Are we the support that staff expects us to be?

Are we helpful in other ways? Do we recycle and help the environment? Do we pick up the trash by the picnic tables even if it isn’t ours? Are we respectful to our parents, teachers, and senior members? When people are on the phone, do we speak in a quieter, more respectful tone so they can hear the person on the other end?

These are some of the millions of ways we can be helpful around the school and in our communities. Being helpful is more than just doing stuff. It is about a way of living. It is about sacrifice and giving, but also the intrinsic reward you get back. Everyone of us has had that feeling inside when we give blood, run a canned food drive, delivered coats to those who need it, shared a desert with someone hungry, or done a task for someone who couldn’t do it on their own. Being helpful is not a chore, but a reward in itself. It shows that we have character and honor. That’s what being a real man is about.

Examine yourself and take an inventory of your actions. Are you as helpful as you can be? Are you the type of person that Scouting can be proud of? Will you back staff up when they need to rely on your assistance? If the answer is no, then you need to reexamine your role in this school and in the Scouts.

Highlights from the 2009 Family Foundation School girl’s soccer season as presented at the Awards Dinner last month.  Video by Gabe L.

Highlights from the 2009 Family Foundation School boy’s soccer team season as shared in last month’s award’s dinner.  Video by Gabe L.