By Ileana A.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
As I prepare for my transition to college, I am practicing steps 10, 11, and 12. Here at school and in my personal life, whenever I make a mistake, I have to take inventory and make amends as soon as possible. However, in practicing step 10, not only do I need to take inventory when I make a mistake but also when I feel myself slipping into negative thinking. Taking an inventory of my thoughts and feelings on paper is helpful because then I can clearly see what I need to work on.
For example, I just recently went through a very rough few weeks because of my anxiety about college. Not only was I struggling with crazy thinking but I was suffering from psychosomatic symptoms as well. By taking inventory, I realized that I feared relapsing, not fitting in, failing, not being able to cope, and other people’s judgments. I assumed that my past experiences with transitioning to new schools would repeat themselves and I wouldn’t be able to make it. I didn’t see the point in trying and I didn’t see the progress I’ve made. So, I took an inventory on my progress and my fears lessened.
Nevertheless, my fears still affected my confidence in my college choice and I couldn’t decide whether I should go to college or go home for a few months first. This is how I found out that step 11 is possibly the most beautiful step there is. I took to praying the rosary whenever I felt anxious, carrying it in my pocket at all times. I also prayed it several times before falling asleep at night. My individual counselor also gave me a pocket-sized New Testament and I read it whenever the opportunity arose. However, I couldn’t make up my mind about college until I started having conversations with God between the five decades of the rosary. All I said was, “God, I surrender my will to do yours, and yours only. I put my life in your hands. I am your faithful servant. Thank you for everything you put in my life, because I know that everything you have given me is a blessing.” After saying this, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my heart. I felt so much lighter and somehow, I just knew that God was taking care of me and would always take care of me. There was no reason to fear college; God would always be there to guide me.
Now that the decision has been made, I am able to get out of myself and practice step 12. I’ve been so much happier after my recent surrender that it overflows and I need to share the energy with others. I need to share what I have learned. I continue to practice all the steps and share with my sponsees the miracle of my recovery. Through this step, I now have people who look up to me, a sense of self-worth, and courage to keep going by the constant reminder that I can make it through life and all it takes is God and my program.
