Who told you that you have to be perfect?

We believe in progress, not perfection.

by Sid Parham, Ph. D.

It is the fate of human beings that we can imagine perfection, but we cannot attain it. We have many stories that bring home this point, Icarus and Daedalus, or Adam and Eve, are just two of them. When we forget that we cannot attain perfection, we begin a cycle of self harm—striving, disappointment, anger, regret, and either abandonment of the effort or a recommitment to new striving which repeats the cycle.

Teenagers, particularly teens with self-esteem issues, often fall prey to this cycle. They give up too easily, they fail to try because they can never achieve their ideal, and they became unwilling to try something new that might make them seem less than perfect. We try to teach the human standard of excellence, not the inhuman one of perfection. In excellence there is always room for growth. No matter how well you play a musical instrument, or a sport, or build a boat, or write a poem, you hope there is an even better performance left in you. There is no room for growth in perfection and in that sense, it is a kind of death.

The AA slogan, “progress not perfection” reflects this commitment to personal growth. It acknowledges the truth that perfection is stasis and that positive growth is found in the pursuit of excellence. So in working with our students we may ask, “Who told you that you had to be perfect?” Sometime the student looks baffled, but other times we get some interesting answers. “Nothing is good enough for my father.” “Every magazine tells me my body is imperfect.” “If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want anyone to see me do it.” Students give us these and other answers.

As teachers and parents we need to be aware of the destructiveness of the demand for perfection and the liberation available in the pursuit of excellence. How do we convey these values to our children. First model them, acknowledge your warts, let your children see you learn to do something, share the satisfaction you get from your work or from a hobby. Separate praise from goal setting. If a child has been barely passing, praise a report card of all 80’s even if you and the teachers think this child should make 90’s. Then a week or so later, talk about setting a higher goal. Praise effort more than you praise achievement.

Progress not perfection reminds us to practice patience. It’s taken our lifetime to learn what we know. Don’t expect your child to take much less time.